Bridging the gap synchroblog: Friend of gays
I’ve always been a friend of gays. I don’t think my friendship of another should be dependent on one’s sexual orientation and practice. From a high school friend who came out to me years later, to my best friend in college, to a roommate at seminary, to my wife’s nephew, and finally to our current friends — an engaged and engaging gay couple that call Karen and I the “funnest heterosexual couple we know”. A few months ago, we cooked up a celebratory engagement dinner for them, and plan on attending their Toronto wedding. Having these people in my life is both enriching as well as stretching for me.
I admit in my earlier years, I couldn’t rationalize how one could be a Christian and gay. My literal reading of Scripture didn’t seem to endorse it. While this didn’t stop the friendships from forming, but it did cause them to be stunted and eventually die. This sort of thinking was common in the evangelical community I was raised in. When I think about it, I feel sorrow for those broken relationships. I believe my rigidly held theological stance eventually drove the earlier friends out of my life. Doctrine was more important than relationship.
Having your doctrine and your sexuality straight was important in that world. If you didn’t toe the party line, you were shunned and isolated. Anything that did not conform to a certain standard was rejected. Diversity was suspect. This is the heritage that some in our circles are trying to recover from.
Over the past decade or so, I’ve abandoned the comfort and security of having a black-and-white world. Sure, it’s easier to have all the answers. Exclusion is easier than embrace. But I don’t think it reflects the heart of God for His diverse array of people. As I reflect on the person and example of Jesus, I am blown away by the extent of His love for all people regardless of their orientation.
I’m one of a new wave of (post?) evangelicals who are exhausted by the culture wars, yet still cling to my faith. Jesus came to liberate us from religious systems, not to set up new ones. In this new landscape, it’s not about who’s right or wrong, but how well do you love? I would rather err on the side of generosity.
That’s what the New Direction DVD project is all about. In December 2007 our grantmaking committee met to approve this project. It was a stretch for some on our committee to go for it, but I’m proud to say we decided to stand behind this initiative. What you see today is a four-session DVD series on bridging the gap that you can order here. It’s the result of hours and hours of work, interviews, research, and prayer by Wendy Gritter and her team. You can use it to create dialogue and conversation in the groups you are a part of.
I’d like to see others stand behind New Direction in support and encouragement. You can imagine how taking a stand like this has cost them as a charitable organization — donors often exert control by withholding funds, and New Direction’s boldness in moving towards inclusion has impacted the organization. It’s a small organization with three incredible individuals that I’ve enjoyed getting to know. If you are able to give to them, please do so generously — your support help makes groundbreaking work such as the synchroblog and the DVD series possible.
To close, I’d like to leave you with some of my thoughts that were recorded earlier. I haven’t posted them on my blog before, but they’ve been on YouTube for awhile:
Thanks for joining us in the synchroblog today. There have been 60+ bloggers who are writing posts today on this topic … my hat goes off to each of them. You can find a full list of the bloggers who are involved here (view right hand column). If you’re on Twitter, catch the conversation at #btgblog.
Please leave constructive comments below that will help us dialogue better.
It is great that your committee took the step of supporting New Direction. I appreciate your comments and resonate with much of what you said. I think that fear has often been behind much of what the evangelical community has done – fear of getting it wrong, fear of being perceived as having poor doctrine or worse, heresy. It’s time to let perfect love cast out fear.
Bridging the gap(s) requires courageous love and a willingness to risk stepping out of our sheltered bubbles of certainty …. Mark, you model this kind of leadership so well. Your partnership in this project and in this synchroblog initiative is deeply valued.
That….. and you and Karen ARE the funnest heterosexual couple
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I agree with the poster above me…it’s time to let perfect love cast out all fear, for BOTH sides of the “gap.”
I really enjoyed reading your entire blog. And in particular, I really related to your retrospective observation of believing your rigidly held theological stance.
I also couldn’t rationalize how one could be a Christian and gay.
But being one who’s reality was being attracted to the same gender, my rigidness cost me my relationship with God, relationship with my family, and relationship with the church. As I couldn’t rationalize faith and sexuality mixing, the great divide between the two began. Causing me to push away with bewilderment from what I thought should be the place and people for refuge, love, safety.
After a huge chapter in my life of dealing with negative and hurtful things as a result of the great divide, that I could on and on and on about. I find it inspiring and encouraging after reading your blog to continue to what feels like holding my ground with in the church. As I struggle, battle, and learn what it means to live towards the complex fluxuating combination of faith and sexuality.
Beautifully put, Mark. Thank you for participating in this dialogue.
I also think that Learning Catalyst is dead on when she talks about fear. Hopefully, we all learn to overcome our fears and move forward in spite of them.
To me, the term “bridging the gap” sounds like a positive action being taken to overcome a void or a lack. Mark, you put it so well by saying, “Jesus came to liberate us from religious systems not set up new ones…it’s not about who’s right or wrong but how well do you love”.
I want to be one of those evangelical Christians who participates and contributes to overcoming the void, building a bridge instead of feeling exhausted by trying to keep patching an old crumbling wall that should have been dismantled long ago. I truly want to love well, and over the past 2 plus years I have been slowly learning how to do that. It’s not an easy thing to do, but is absolutely worth the effort.
We’re glad to support New Direction and all that they do to help all of us learn to “love well”.
Doctrine being more important than relationship… wow… well said!
Thanks for being your usual transparent self, Mark – which challenges and stretches us all.
AND thanks for encouraging Bridgeway to courageously support New Direction’s critical voice to our Christian community.
This is my favourite part of your blog:
I’m one of a new wave of (post?) evangelicals who are exhausted by the culture wars, yet still cling to my faith. Jesus came to liberate us from religious systems, not to set up new ones. In this new landscape, it’s not about who’s right or wrong, but how well do you love? I would rather err on the side of generosity.
I’m exhausted too.. and my temperature check on “how well do I love others” continually challenges me. But thank you, Jesus, for liberating me and loving me in my broken, weak, confused, and sometimes lonely – ugly, state.
Melinda, that monster icon of you is particularly ugly!!
Thanks everyone for commenting. It has been an amazing day so far of listening to some sage voices.
Mark, I’m so glad that yours is the first post I’ve read today in the synchroblogging event. I find your post a bit healing to me in that I feel I rarely run across Christians who share your views, and I certainly don’t within my immediate family (just had a conversation with my sister who does not want to meet my girlfriend and is worried about her kids: “We must be the gatekeepers for our children.” Ouch.)
Thank you for this post. I’ve also participated in the event if you want to check that out.
Mark,
Thanks for your post. I’m part of this project and I like what you shared. If you are ever near Grand Rapids, MI I would love to connect.
Greg
Recently I had this conversation with somebody I knew from Bible College. They took this vote on facebook, for or against same sex marriage.
In short, my response was …
“I sincerely hope you do more then just vote on the issue … ”
It was sad for me to see that so many people are more concerned about winning a political debate then they are about the individual person. I think this part of the message you are getting across, at least, this is my understanding of your post and I would agree and I do hope that people, myself included, could lay aside the need to be right and for a change see the individual person and engage with that person from within their world.
Thanks, Mark, for challenging the status quo within the Church. I wasn’t ready to come out with my own thoughts on this subject as they are still forming and I am still growing, but you speak well for me.
What I do know is that I have several gay friends who I love dearly for where they are at on their journey now. God takes me as I am, why shouldn’t I do the same for my fellow brothers and sisters? I prefer loving people into a relationship with Jesus, and that has not been a popular move on my part with some close friends and family.
I’ll leave you with this recent experience that made me go “ouch” on the inside. I had just met a fellow at a party who said upon realizing another fellow at the party was a Christian that, “he won’t like me.” “Why?” I asked. “Because I’m gay.” We have some work cut out for us, folks…
I’m one of those gay Christians who hid in closets for thirty-five years, rather than endure the separation that I knew would come when “they” found out. I returned to faith when I got sober in 1990, but was absolutely unable to risk the new-found faith and fellowship. So I lied, and acted-as-if, and died a little bit more each day while I was waiting on God to heal me. Prayers, fasting, anointing with oil, Promise Keepers conferences, and a sea-full of tears – even a stint at seminary and offering my life to God in ministry – nothing changed.
Mark, I am so appreciative of your openness and willingness to “measure in love,” as the song says. And I truly believe the answer to changing hearts and softening doctrine is exactly what you experienced – in relationships lived, friendships built, and neighbors loved, exactly as Someone told his followers in Galilee.
My synchroblog entry – with links to several of my “defining moment” posts – is over here.
Grace to you on the journey.
Steve
I’m currious people talk about softening the doctrine to bridge the gap but what about staying with our convictions and beliefs, hashing out our differences while respecting the other? Isn’t this what bridging the gap should be about?
I came to faith in Christ at a young age. I stayed in the closet for for a few years and then came to believe that change for some is possible. I emphasize for some. What I’d like to do is begin dialogue of the stereoptype and misconceptions people might have with ex-gay ministries and the Post-Gay movement because believe you me just as there is a stereotype with the conservative church’s towards gays and the stereotype gays have with the conservative church’s there is also a stereotype and misconceptions in regards to ex-gay ministries and people who would identify like myself as Post-Gay.
As I learn to bridge with you how about you learn to bridge with me because I’d sure like to learn for every one of you but also hold firm to my beliefs and convictions while feeling free to not deny the work of Christ in my life.
I read these posts of many people testifying with tears that they’ve worked so hard to change their feelings but nothing changed. I’ve heard straight christians talk openly about and acknowledging the wrong done to many in the GLBT Community and all of this I’m glad to see happening.
I have friends who are in the GLBT Community and I value our friendship and they know me and my position and I speak openly and freely about my story and testimony. I also hear from them their story and their testimony. As another blogger wrote there are more things to talk about then the topic on homosexuality and so there are more ways to connect with people then on the commonality of sexuality and doctrinal beliefs. We can hash out our differences and still be friends, at least that’s what I’m finding in relationship with people I know within the GLBT Community.
I wrote on another blog post …
If we take a look at Jesus original 12 disciples we couldn’t find a more diverse group. You had the Jewish tax collector among uneducated fisherman and they all had to hash out their differences and some had to seperate for a time and we see this in the scriptures. But we also see that eventually they all came back together and I believe they came back with this one revelation, “They will know we are Christians by our love,”
Peace, Love, Joy to all.
Mark,
Thanks for your leadership at Bridgeway. As a member of the grantmaking committee I am deeply appreciative of your direction and influence in this particular area. Our involvement would not have happened without you and reading the comments above, I’m very proud of your courage!
I have huge struggles with this and really want to push the boundaries of my faith. But I don’t want to compromise either. So help, if you can please?
I have a huge heart for gay people. My brother is gay and I love him very much. I am a radical christian and have struggled with this issue of separation.
I agree that Jesus would inevitably surprise us with his response to gay people. His love is so perfect.
But as an imperfect lover of Christ and as an imperfect God fearing person I am nervous to start justifying certain things which one can always do if one tries hard enough.
My big question is not around right or wrong but more importantly life or death. Jesus is the way, the truth and the life as we know but he also never skirted issues. He is not a master of spin but actually a master of truth.
My greatest struggle is with the world demanding that the homosexual act be called normal. That the children of today are being told this instead of the truth – that sodomy is a perverse sexual act. This is a life and death issue. If I jump off a 20 story building I will fall down in in all liklihood die.
Another struggle I have is how the acceptance of gay marraiges undermines one of the greatest mysteries – marraige and family. Marraige is used as an illustration of Christ and Church as Bridegroom and Bride.
I could go on and on. I am in constant open and honest, loving communication with Gays. I am desperately trying to understand what they are going through and realising how impossible that is for me to do. But at the same time I cannot justify the homosexual act. I just cannot do it. I believe it is outside of any human’s scope to make this kind of justification.
On judgement of homosexuality I do believe Jesus would have said something like “you who have no sin cast the first stone” but I also believe He would then say to the homosexual “I do not judge you either, but go and sin no more”
The homosexual act is no more sinful than saying nasty things behind someone’s back. Sin is sin.
But we need to call it what it is.
This is where the struggle is in the relationship between Christians and the Homosexual community. Christian leaders could never say to their people “Adultery is OK, saying nasty things behind people’s back is Ok etc….they don’t in any way present a poor witness of the holiness of Christ” In the same way they could never say that the Homosexual act is Ok.
But we can love and accept homosexuals….surely. But how can they feel accepted? This is the problem….when they know that there is no way they can justify the homosexual act within a relationship with God and His church.
Gordon, which homoexual act are you referring to? The one where my boyfriend and I go grocery shopping together? The one where we cuddle on the couch while watching Hotel for Dogs? The one where I give him a backrub after he’s had a hard day at work?
Same sex relationships and being gay is about far more than anal sex. Some gay couples don’t even engage in anal sex. And what about lesbians? Does your consideration of homosexuality even take them into account at all?
It seems to me that some conservative Christians are far too obssessed with what I may or may not be doing in my bedroom as a gay man. Personally, I find that distressing and more than a little unhealthy. It also makes me wonder if they reduce their own relationships to nothing more than sex.